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Monday, July 16, 2012

Why the Cheesecake Factory Sucks

Warning:  the following may be unsuitable for children under 13 and people who like to wait over an hour for mediocre food.  Everybody else, join in.
Good friends don’t let good friends go the Cheesecake Factory.  A good restaurant doesn’t do 150 completely different dishes well.  Think about it, it makes ZERO sense.  Bruce Jenner won the decathlon because he was decent at multiple events, but he couldn’t hold any individual Olympians jock if he wanted to.  Now look at him, he’s a botoxed puppet in a family known for not having jobs.  A sports car is a sports car because it hauls ass, not because it hauls a family of five.  You can’t be everything to everybody.  If you try, you’ll fail (my first fortune cookie moment).
Take the Havana Sandwich Shop, they make the best Cuban sandwich in Atlanta.  They don’t offer you Filet Mignon on page 8 of the menu.  The Vortex makes burgers, if you order something else you deserve food poisoning.  But if you want to try a burger, try Muss and Turners, trust me (more to come on that during “Burger Week”). 
Know what you are, nobody epitomizes this more than Johnny’s Hideaway.  They pour the heaviest drinks and you better be ready to dance (with somebody 55+ of course).  As my friend Jeff says “Johnny’s is like a 401k plan if you find the right sugar moma.”

When I’m ordering food, I don’t want to have to refer to page 10 across from the DUI Lawyer's ad to order Fish and Chips which is right above Pad Thai.  If you want Fish and Chips, go to Fado.  If you want Pad Thai go to Nan (though I would recommend the Red Snapper or the Pad Prik Sea Bass).  In fact, any decent Thai restaurant makes a decent Pad Thai.  Annie’s Thai Castle is probably the best lunch value for Thai.  Sorry for the tangent, I like Thai Food.
You know what they are probably good at?  Cheesecake.  Stick to what you know.  Don’t embarrass yourself.


  1. Amen I agree, their food is terrible. The cheesecake is good though. Go for dessert only.

  2. The Cheesecake Factory SUCKS! SUCKS HARD!

    I've never been impressed by over-hyped restaurants, and TCF is NO exception!

    I had a friend take me there once for "thank you" dinner for something I did for her. We had to wait 30 minutes on top of OTHER people coming in BEHIND us getting seated IMMEDIATELY! And yes, she DID have reservations!

    It after we were seated, it was 45 minutes before we got ANY service or menus. Then it was ANOTHER 45 minutes before we EVER saw another wait we never even saw the same wait person twice all the time we were there!

    A one hour dinner turned into almost FOUR HOURS OF STARVATION HELL!

    After almost TWO HOURS of waiting and waiting and waiting, for service, menus, drinks, and ordering.........we FINALLY got our food. IF you can call it "food"!!!

    The food items on my plate that were supposed to be HOT were STONE COLD! The food items that were supposed to be cold were HOT! I couldn't eat any of it.

    My friend couldn't even eat hers either, she said the meat wasn't cooked, and the veggies tasted funny.

    After yet another 45 minutes or more, my friend got up from the table and had to go into the kitchen to get somebody to get our check!

    I told her she needed to complain to the manager, she said she was highly embarrassed and just wanted this hell to be over with.

    We finally were able to get the hell out of there. My friend was mortified. I told her it wasn't her fault. She said she was more embarrassed that she had praised that place SO much and wanted to take me there, than she was of what a horrible "thank you" it was. She said that was the end of her ever going there again.

    I usually live by "three strikes, you're out" I gave them another shot.

    A couple of years later, I stopped by a different one in a different state, and was stood there waiting at the "Please wait to be seated" sign, as FIVE wait staff passed me by and not a ONE of them even GLANCED at me, much less acknowledged someone standing there!!!! This went on for almost 10 minutes, all of these douches passing me by and ignoring me! They weren't even busy!!!!

    I turned and left, and I have never (and will never) set foot anywhere NEAR one of these disgusting, vile, horrendous garbage dumps!!!!