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Monday, July 16, 2012

Why the Cheesecake Factory Sucks

Warning:  the following may be unsuitable for children under 13 and people who like to wait over an hour for mediocre food.  Everybody else, join in.
Good friends don’t let good friends go the Cheesecake Factory.  A good restaurant doesn’t do 150 completely different dishes well.  Think about it, it makes ZERO sense.  Bruce Jenner won the decathlon because he was decent at multiple events, but he couldn’t hold any individual Olympians jock if he wanted to.  Now look at him, he’s a botoxed puppet in a family known for not having jobs.  A sports car is a sports car because it hauls ass, not because it hauls a family of five.  You can’t be everything to everybody.  If you try, you’ll fail (my first fortune cookie moment).
Take the Havana Sandwich Shop, they make the best Cuban sandwich in Atlanta.  They don’t offer you Filet Mignon on page 8 of the menu.  The Vortex makes burgers, if you order something else you deserve food poisoning.  But if you want to try a burger, try Muss and Turners, trust me (more to come on that during “Burger Week”). 
Know what you are, nobody epitomizes this more than Johnny’s Hideaway.  They pour the heaviest drinks and you better be ready to dance (with somebody 55+ of course).  As my friend Jeff says “Johnny’s is like a 401k plan if you find the right sugar moma.”

When I’m ordering food, I don’t want to have to refer to page 10 across from the DUI Lawyer's ad to order Fish and Chips which is right above Pad Thai.  If you want Fish and Chips, go to Fado.  If you want Pad Thai go to Nan (though I would recommend the Red Snapper or the Pad Prik Sea Bass).  In fact, any decent Thai restaurant makes a decent Pad Thai.  Annie’s Thai Castle is probably the best lunch value for Thai.  Sorry for the tangent, I like Thai Food.
You know what they are probably good at?  Cheesecake.  Stick to what you know.  Don’t embarrass yourself.

1 comment:

  1. Amen I agree, their food is terrible. The cheesecake is good though. Go for dessert only.